non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
