I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
How do you say "thats kinda illegal" in thai?
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
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