i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
