I wish I could punch you in the face.
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
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