Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize