FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
