Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Randomize
