U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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