I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
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