Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
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