now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
