my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
no, he came in my armpit
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
