I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
my poor anus
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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