When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
