I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Please tell me you haven’t left campus yet!!!! I forgot my Hitachi and will not survive Thanksgiving without a steady supply of orgasms
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