We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
I'm torn between wanting to wear lipstick and wanting to make out with strangers.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
