Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
