Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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