Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.
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Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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