God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
