i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
40s are totally the cure
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
Randomize
