yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
