I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
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