What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
