that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
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