I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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