Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize