I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
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