i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
