I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Randomize
