Iiiiiii almost fall ib the lake
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
