My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Randomize
