He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
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