If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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