i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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