I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
can u get pink eye on your cock?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
