Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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