My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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