"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
