Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
