my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
