R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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