we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
There's a Sam Adams brew house. How were we not supposed to go
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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