my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
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