I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Randomize
