Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
