just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
