I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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