Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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