Apparently you make a good broom.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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