where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
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