I wish my penis had an off switch
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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