im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
