i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
