There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
