bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
